


Old Ghosts, New Love

by LittleSparrow69



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Stuttering!Jensen, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2018-01-01 18:10:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1047008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSparrow69/pseuds/LittleSparrow69
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jared and Jensen have their first real fight it brings to light some trauma from Jensen's past.  Kinkmeme fill.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Old Ghosts, New Love

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure I'd ever do this but after 2 years and various kinkmeme fills I've decided to create a sock and pull them all together in one place. I'm starting with the oneshots and will eventually move what has turned into a monster of a fill here as well. Anyone who frequents the kinkmeme will be familiar with these. Those who do not...I hope you enjoy!

The ride home was quiet. Tense. Jensen had tried making small talk but Jared was having none of it. Distracted and withdrawn, he kept his eyes on the dark road and his responses to as few words as possible. It unsettled Jensen, made him nervous. He hadn't felt this way in a very long time. Like he'd done something wrong, but was at a loss as to what it was. He stopped talking and looked out the window. Icy cold and uncomfortable, he turned up the heat, but the chill was from within and the warmth barely touched him. 

"Christ," Jared said moments later, nearly panting from the heat as he shut it off and rolled down his window. 

Jensen crossed his arms, pulling them close for warmth, drawing in on himself instinctively. Jared glanced at him, taking in his posture before returning his eyes to the road. He rolled up the window. The ride back to their place seemed to take forever. By the time they arrived and Jared had backed them in and turned off the engine, Jensen was filled with an impending feeling of dread. He didn't know what to expect. Or well, he did. He'd just hoped that things would be different with Jared. They'd been together for six months, living together for two, and not once had Jared ever had to discipline him. Jensen had started to believe that he'd learned his lesson with Evan and that he wouldn't make the same mistakes, wouldn't need to be punished. 

Apparently he had a long way to go, because he had no idea what he'd done wrong. 

Jared got out of the car without looking at Jensen or speaking to him. He sat there for a few mintues, steeling himself for what was to come. He just hoped Jared told him what he did wrong so he could make sure not to do it again. 

Jared was leaning back against the counter with a beer in his hand when Jensen entered. He didn't look mad, but he didn't look pleased either. 

"Hey," It was all Jensen could think to say. It felt like a stupid thing to say. He dropped his eyes.

Jared continued to look at him, as if he were waiting for something. 

"I, ah, I'm just..." Jensen stumbled over his words as he edged towards the other room, "change. Going to change." 

He chanced a glance back up, saw the curious tilt to Jared's head as he carefully fled the room. He didn't always have time to prepare for being disciplined, but he was grateful to Jared for giving him the opportunity. He changed out of his jeans and button down and pulled on a pair of comfortable sweats, leaving his socks on. If he was going to be stiff and sore for the next day or two, he didn't want to ask for help in getting his socks on or his pants unbuttoned. The t-shirt he wore was dark and not one of his favorites so he left it on. It would hide any blood, if there was any. There wasn't always, but it was good to be prepared. It was Friday night, so there would be no immediate need to explain bruises. He'd have until Monday to come up with something. Evan was pretty good about making sure his face and arms remained bruise free, unless Jensen did something really stupid. He had no idea what to expect with Jared, so he'd just have to play it by ear. 

Jared looked up as he entered. Jensen was relieved to see that he looked more thoughtful than anything. He tried to believe that was a good thing. 

"You weren't going to tell me were you?" Jared asked. 

Jensen's look of surprised confusion was not feigned. He had no idea what there was to tell. 

A thundercloud rolled across Jared's features. He set the beer down hard and turned away from Jensen, his back stiff. 

"I...I'm sorry," Jensen had no idea what he was apologizing for, but it felt necessary, "I didn't mean..."

He cut off as Jared whirled on him, advancing. 

"Is that really how you want to play this?" Jared asked, more incredulous than angry. "How am I supposed to trust you, Jensen?"

"I...I..."God, those words cut deep. He tried so hard, he really did. 

"Jesus, Jensen," Jared wasn't shouting, but he was loud and close and big. "One of my best friends hit on you while I'm in the other room and you weren't even going to tell me?" 

The surprise sweep of Jensen's brow was apparently telling. 

"Yeah," Jared confirmed, "I heard everything." 

Jensen's heart raced. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong. Doug was being a little flirty but he'd deflected everything and the guy had taken the hint pretty quickly and had stopped. He must have done something to give Doug the wrong impression. The distinct lack of warmth in Jared's eyes finally undid him. He'd seen that same detachment in Evan's eyes each time he was disciplined for his own good. Jensen felt cold again. It wasn't so much the physical pain that he knew was coming that bothered him, he could take a hit, it was the loss of hope that somehow he'd gotten it right this time. It was the look of disappointment in beautiful hazel eyes that told him it was his fault. He shivered. So cold. 

"I...I...I'm s...s...sorry," Jensen had learned that admitting to his mistakes early sometimes meant less of a beating. "I...I...d...didn't mean t...to lead him on, I..I...was j...just trying t...to be n...nice." 

That brought Jared up short, brows drawing close together, eyes wide. 

"I'll d...do b...better next t...time, I p...promise." Jensen stuttered uncontrollably, hating how stupid it made him sound. He looked down at the floor, remembering how Evan used to laugh at him. 

"Jensen? What..?" Low, horrified.

All Jensen understood was that Jared's voice had lost its hard edge. If he acted quickly, maybe he could make it up to him. He dropped to his knees, reaching for Jared's belt, fumbling in his nervousness. 

For a minute it seemed as if Jared would let him. Then, "Jensen, wait...stop." 

His wrists were gripped and held and suddenly Jared was kneeling on the floor in front of him. He froze. 

They looked at each other, both wide -eyed and uncertain. 

"Jesus," Jared said, still holding his wrists, "you're shaking." 

He couldn't do anything about that, but he had to let Jared know that he'd try harder. "I...I'll do b...better next t...time, I...I pppromise." 

Jared looked shocked and scared and a little hurt. He let go one of Jensen's wrists and reached for him. Jensen couldn't help it, he flinched away from him. Evan had always hated when he did that and usually made him pay for it, but it was instinctual when expecting a blow. 

"S...sorry, I...I d...d...didn't m...m...mean..." The stuttering got worse in his desperation to apologize. 

"Sssssssshhhhhhhhh," Jared soothed, softening his grip on Jensen's other wrist and carefully tugging at the same time. "C'mere, baby. S'okay, just..." his voice broke, "c'mere... please." 

Jensen hesitated, confused by the plea in Jared's voice. He'd been lulled into a false sense of security too many times before; he didn't trust that the emotion he heard was real. He so desperately wanted to believe that Jared was different though. He wanted to be held and treasured, to find refuge in those strong arms, instead of pain. He felt a tear slip free when he realized it didn't matter. He wasn't ever going to be good enough. He'd take what he could get. Good or bad. 

"That's it," Jared encouraged, gently pulling Jensen into his arms, hands going to the back of his thighs and pulling him in close as Jensen straddled his legs. Jensen gripped the back of his shirt, body strung tight. "Shhhhh, it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay." 

He so wanted to believe that.

*

Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen, hand going to the back of his head as the young man continued to shake like a leaf. He suspected it wasn't fear, at least not all of it, but some autonomic response to old trauma. PTSD. Fuck. Just wow. He still had no idea what really happened. Sure, he'd been irritated with Jensen for not telling him about Doug. He had a right to be irritated. Of course, he hadn't really given Jensen much of a chance to say anything before he'd gotten all prickly. And to be honest, he was more upset with Doug because it wasn't the first time he'd pulled shit like this. But Jensen was special; the more time he spent with him the more it felt like Jensen was The One. The person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He needed that person to be honest with him. 

"Shhhhhhhhhh," Jared held him, rocking gently back and forth. "It's okay. It's okay." He didn't know what else to say so he just whispered it over and over again. The body in his arms remained stiff, unconvinced, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop. There was no other shoe. Jared would sit there on the floor with Jensen all night if that’s what it took to prove it. 

He thought back to the conversation he'd overheard. Despite the fact that Doug's defense had always been that he was looking out for Jared's best interest, hitting on his dates only to make sure they were faithful, Jared had seen the way the man watched Jensen throughout evening. And Jensen, Jared would smile at the memory at a later time, had given one of the most discreet, polite brush-off's he'd ever heard. It had made him proud until he'd walked into the room and they'd both pretended like nothing had happened. Granted, he didn't expect Jensen to tell him right then and there, but the more he thought about it the more upset he became. 

Jared squeezed Jensen a little more tightly when he thought about the ride home. What he now recognized as a nervous attempt to make conversation and the way he had shut Jensen out. The way Jensen had avoided him and seemed to shrink in on himself when they got home. The way he seemed to hold his breath when Jared spun on him and got in his face. Fuck. His eyes burned at the memory of the stammered apologies and he stroked Jensen's hair. 

_M'sorry, baby._

It was close to a half hour before Jensen's body began to relax, slowly melting into his arms as he drifted towards an emotionally exhausted sleep. Jared held him through it, whispering soft reassurances when he’d jerk awake with a start. 

Another twenty minutes and Jared knew that if he didn't move soon, he wouldn't be able to. Jensen's grip on him tightened when he shifted to redistribute his weight, a small sleepy sound of distress muffled in his neck. 

"It's okay," Jared soothed, "let's go to bed, sweetheart."

A warm, heavy weight, Jensen barely moved. Jared's arms drifted lower, pulling him in snug against his hips, hands slipping beneath Jensen's thigh's as he went to his knees and then got one foot under him as he slowly but steadily got to his feet. Jensen gasped, legs wrapping around Jared as he teetered slightly and quickly recovered by leaning back to account for the awkward weight. 

"I've got you," Jared's grip was secure, voice confident as he walked slowly, maneuvering them down the short hall to their bedroom. When he got to the foot of the bed, he lowered Jensen carefully, keeping one arm wrapped around him and staying close as he pulled back the covers.

Jensen climbed in dutifully; surprised when Jared followed him, wrapping him in those strong arms again and pulling him close. It felt so good...and he was so tired, yet he couldn't quite trust ...couldn't let go. 

"You're still d...d..dressed," his soft stutter a testament to his lingering unease. Jensen's body a subtle but tense line of muscle, the cold returning. There had been times like this with Evan. Whether it was the eye of the storm or the calm before the storm...it had always ended much too soon. 

"It's all right," Jared pulled him closer and kissed his forehead, fingers carding through the hair at the back of his head. "I just want to hold you right now, okay?" 

There was such love and sadness in the statement that Jensen wasn't sure what to make of it. 

"Okay," his response small and uncertain as he took a calming breath, then a whisper more to himself, "okay." 

It was quiet for a long time. Jared taking deep slow breaths. Jensen eventually found himself mirroring them, reluctantly drifting as a gentle hand continued to stroke his hair. He was almost asleep when Jared spoke again. 

"When you’re ready," Jared started, low and soothing, "we're going to need to talk about this." 

Jensen hadn't realized he'd stiffened against the warm body next to him until Jared's free hand smoothed down his arm. 

"Shhhhhhhhh, not now, baby," Jared assured, rocking slightly. "Not now. 

Jensen hid his face in the curve of Jared's neck, ashamed. 

"I just...I need you to know that I would never hurt you like that. Ever." Jared was quietly intense in his conviction. 

He wasn't sure if he was supposed to respond or not - if Jared was waiting for him to say something. It seemed appropriate that he should. 

"I know." 

Jensen said it without much thought or conviction. It was just something Evan had expected to hear. It had slipped out without him being entirely conscious that he'd said it. 

Jared gave a small sigh, shifting just enough to get two crooked fingers under Jensen's chin and tilt his head back for a soft press of lips.

"No. You don't," Jared stroked his thumb over tracks of dried tears. "But someday you will." 

End


End file.
